When you watch a promo for Mausam, nothing prepares you for how mind-numbingly terrible it will be. What an epic failure. The main reason I wanted to watch it was because it doesn’t have terrible actors, and the trailer does its job of making you think hmm, fighter pilots like Maverick…could be interesting! That’s where you’re wrong though. Another reason is Sonam Kapoor, she intrigues me. She has the hairiest dad on the planet. Yet, she seems to be quite hairless… I know she’s a Bollywood actress and all that, so she’s been plucked and teased and shaved and peeled, but it’s a bit crazy isn’t it? Shahid Kapoor is a waste of time. Abs or no abs, he looks a bit chubby and lady-like in this film. What a tool.
So the film starts off alright. You’re sitting there slowly getting comfortable thinking hmm, slow start, but you never know! Then it gets derailed. And you’re like woah. BORING. There’s some random troubled girl that comes to “Harry’s” hometown, and of course he falls for her, love at first sight and all that rubbish. Then some mundane stuff happens in their lives, they have a wedding to sort out and fat friends to make fun off, etc., the usual. During all this, the love birds fall for each other even more, even thought they don’t seem to talk at all for about an hour or so into the film, just a glance or a peek at each other seems to be enough for fireworks. When they decide to do something about their “love”, the girl disappears, and the guy gets shipped off to fight in a war (?). Now, I say war, but I have no idea why he had to leave to go and loiter around planes. He was doing the same thing near bullock carts in the first hour of the film. Why even bother change the scene?
Suddenly, when your ass is falling asleep, and you’re legs are being attacked by DVT, they go to Scotland. Sonam Kapoor finally looks pretty in some normal clothing, and Shahid looks like a girl with a wormy moustache. They spend most of their time here staring at each other silently. Nothing much else happens. Oh, except they once again decide to take their “love” someplace, and once again, it fails. Guy goes to war, duh.
They spend the next part of the film catching glimpses of each other (yet not speaking to each other) as they travel the world, Scotland, England, Switzerland, Ahmedabad, Timbuktu, it’s like flipping through a Lonely Planet. There’s another wedding. Shahid’s left arm is paralysed. His moustache becomes a beard. Sonam is still hairless. There’s a riot, with fire and this screaming damsel in distress. They are finally in the same place at the same time, just this time, they want to acknowledge each other. Paralysed boy comes to save damsel, and they run away from the distress and chance upon a troubled horse and a wailing baby stuck on a giant ferris wheel. Of course being Peta supporters, they save the horse first. Then the paralysed boy decides he’s awesome and climbs the ferris wheel! Single handedly (haha). He saves the child by miraculously regaining life is his dead arm and the two lovers decide to keep the child for themselves. Their new family.
Ok hold on. What. The. Fuck. Even Bollywood can’t be that ridiculous? Oh wait, I just sat through that…it can.
Give me my 3.5 hours back please?